Gossip Girl – It’s a Nice Day for a Rufus Wedding

Money can’t buy everything, but it can buy a lot.  Like, if you need to get rid of a social rival, you can get one of your maid’s friends seduce her into boarding a plane to Belarus.  Or you can get the lead singer of a ‘90s grunge band to officiate at your wedding on one day’s notice.  If they had had two or three days, maybe they could’ve gotten Eddie Vedder.  A whole week?  Possibly the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

Tonight the party of the week was the long-awaited (yawn!) Bass-Van Der Woodsen/Humphrey wedding.  And after all the back and forth and ex-husbands and dead and not-dead love children who were never meant to be, Lily and Rufus still managed to drum up a little drams on their way to wedded bliss under a cascade of blue Christmas lights in the Brooklyn loft.

The episode started with Rufus having been relegated to the couch because he didn’t mind if Serena opted to cash in on her looks/fame/money instead of forestalling the inevitable and matriculating at Brown for a semester or two.  Rufus merely had the prudence to recognize that all college was going to get Serena was a brief lesbian love affair and a venereal disease from her freshman English professor.  Really Rufus was just saving everybody a lot of headaches.  So instead of cafeteria food and sexually experimental roommate Liz, Serena was stuck in New York with Toaster Strudels and creepy Carter Baizen.

Over in Dan Land, he’d been sexting the movie star Olivia, kinkily using Vanessa’s IM account.  He’d been trying to give Georgina the old slip because she was stalking him on the Internets.  That girl be crazy!  V let it slip that maybe possibly Dan was seeing a big time movie actress, and she got all huffy and decided to blackmail Vanessa about the whole Scott-is-Dan’s-half-brother thing, when really, who cares?  Vannie was charged with breaking up Dan and Olivia, which provided some hilarity in the form of Miss J and Miss E mistaking Vanessa’s concern for love as well as in the form of Georgie having to deliver the line, “Haven’t you ever tried to get somebody to dump a celebrity before?”

Eventually Vanessa grew as tired of this story line as we viewers were and just up and told Dan about his new brother Scott.  Thank you, Vanessa.

So all was chugging along nicely in Humphrey-Bassville.  The kids pulled a Brady Brunch stunt to get their parents back together, which worked like a charm.  Miss J created a dress for Lily’s wedding, while Blair the Terrible ordered her minions to do her wedding-related bidding.  And Dan – Oh, Dan! – decided NOT to tell The Rufe about his long-lost son.  Come on, Dan!  Just when we thought this story line was played out!

At the wedding, Lily fretted over her vows and called off the whole wedding as a result.  Georgina dropped the bombshell about Scott.  Rufus and Lily made up because they felt they had to because now, ZOMG, they had a child together and needed to make it work for Scott’s sake, those other children (and Chuck) be damned.  So they moved their wedding to the loft where everyone was happy and Jenny asked Scott if he likes to play war games (I know she said “board games,” but my way is much more interesting).

Elsewhere, Chuck and Blair were busy barely caring about Princess Nathaniel and his Buckley Babe, just like the rest of us.  And Chuck was working overtime trying to rid the world of Carter Baizen (Chuck Bass, you are my hero).  In the end, Chuckles decided anyone who would ditch their fiancée right before the wedding was his kind of people, and forgave Carter all his sins.  Bree Buckley was not so magnanimous.  She had her the brothers of her cousin (the girl Carter left at the altar), kidnap Carter to force him into hard labor for hopefully the duration of the Gossip Girl series.  Or maybe they could force him into a murder-suicide with Princess Nathaniel of Do-Nothington.

Finally, to leave you on a good note, how righteous was it to see Dorota all decked out in her wedding hat and floral-print dress?


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